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Chapter Four

Anthony Panariello Leave a comment

1 year ago

Caldren wasn’t one for taking risks or making foolhardy choices but he knew if followed procedure gave that book to his superiors he would lose his chance to track down the explorers writings and find that map he had made. He quickly hide the slim book on the inside of his robes and made some excuse that he was unwell and forced himself to walk slowly back to his quarters to hide the book behind a loose stone in the walls of his living quarters.

He read that entry and every other one written in the journal daily, imagining finding this lost school of mages that the imperial pogrom failed to uncover. He spent his time not in the library searching for copies of books by the explorer and putting out a quiet word to some less than official contacts that the he would pay good coin for a copy of the explorers writings.

Months had gone by and he was starting to despair that there wasn’t a surviving copy of the book when he got a message slipped under his door to meet a man at fishmongers the next morning at first light to discuss certain books that he was looking to procure. He immediately grew nervous as the fishmongers were a set of ramshackle stands down by the docks that were far away from the city center and the watch that patrolled it. As he was considering his options he started with a sudden fear that his superiors had somehow found him out and he was being setup to be quietly eliminated in a place where no one would see. He barely got any sleep alternating between excitement at possibly getting his hands on the map and the anxiety of being robbed, imprisoned, or outright killed for violating imperial law.

The next morning found him walking carefully down the fog shrouded streets wrinkling his nose in distaste as they changed from the well maintained city streets to dirt roads caked in mud and debris. In his excitement he hadn’t thought to change into more appropriate clothing and his scholars robes and sandals were quickly caking with mud. As he was getting closer to the waters edge the pungent smell of rotting fish and the low tide added to his tally of miseries for the day. He started his trip jumping at every sound and motion in the corner of his vision but now he marched doggedly up fishmonger square looking at the etchings on each stall to find the correct one wanting to get this over with so he can go back to the library with its polished floors and incense scented air.

As he was walking around the market searching for his contact he was starting to draw looks from some of the men sitting on the seawall waiting for the day’s catch to be brought up to the market so they can start gutting the fish. Caldren tried not to draw any attention as he kept searching for the right stall but he could feel them looking at him and he suddenly remembered the large sum of coin he had hidden beneath his robes. Did his contact set him up to be robbed? Perhaps these men just saw him as a target? While there would be repercussions if an imperial scholar was killed, rolling his body off the side of the boat was skirt any entanglements with the watch.

“Hey Book Boy, maybe I can help you find what you seek” one of the gutters yelled as he levered himself off of the seawall and slowly walked over to Caldren, swinging his gutting knife slowly on the catch rope in an almost hypnotic pattern. Caldren hurriedly kept looking for the correct stall cursing the size of the market. While he understood that the bay was a critical commercial element of the city right now he found its size more frustrating than helpful.

“No, I’m OK I think what I’m looking for is right over here” he said angling towards a section of the market that already had some stalls up and running, mostly selling food and supplies for the fishermen. It was better lit and had witnesses who he belatedly noticed were finding anywhere else to look but at the scene unfolding in front of their stalls.

Caldren reached for his belt knife which was substantially shorter than the blade the gutter was still twirling around as he approached. It was then that he really wished he had paid more attention to his father when he was trying to teach him how to hold and use a blade. Caldren had little patience for martial training as it took time away from his books and as such gave only a token effort before his frustrated father would rap him with the wooden training sword hard enough to bruise,then walk away without word.

The gutter got close enough that Caldren could make out the scars that crisscrossed his arms, evidence of a lifetime of using that sharp blade that he now realized was pointing right at him. When did they get that close?

“Hey now lad – how about I guide you to your location and you can pay me.. let’s say the standard navigators fee. I’m sure you’ve got enough coin to cover that as well as some extra coins for good service an’ all”

“I’m afraid I don’t have much coin on me, I’m here to uhh.. get some fish for the school and I’m looking for the correct place to pick it up”

Caldren hoped the lie was convincing enough as he edged his way towards the stall he was pretty sure was the one mentioned in the message. The gutter kept pace with him seeming to give Caldren’s excuse some thought

“Well, I’m sure for a school they need plenty of food to feed you, so I’m thinkin’ you’ve got some coin there that could be diverted towards more deservin’ folks, wouldn’t you agree?”

As his back slammed into a pole Caldren realized he’d run out of room to backtrack and started calculating ways he could get out of this without having any parts of himself filleted. It didn’t take long as the only options he could see were to throw the bag of coins on the ground then run like mad hoping the thug would more concerned with grabbing the money than stabbing him, losing out on the only lead he had in years or try to escape through the mud in long scholar robes and sandals, probably get stabbed and robbed and thrown into the bay to be a fish’s breakfast.

“I don’t suppose there’s an arrangement we can come to that doesn’t involve you robbing me of everything or stabbing me?” Caldren ventured

“Not as such – now slowly take off your robe and leave it on the block there, that should be nice on the cold nights on the waterfront. Then put anything you have that is valuable on top of the robe and take three steps back. I don’t want to stab one of you imperials but mistakes can happen”

Caldren swore under his breath, his cowardice winning out over his desire for knowledge. He raised his hands slowly and started pulling the robe over his head. As he finished pulling it off and went to put it down he started as they were no longer alone.

The gutter had dropped his knife and had his hands up as there was a sword point pressing lightly into his neck. Caldren frowned and his eyes followed the sword from the point to the man holding it. He was of medium height with long sandy brown hair tied back with a black ribbon. He was wearing dark blue shirt with silver lining and a black cloak with blood red trim . His eyes were pale blue and hard with anger as he regarded the gutter at end of his sword. Caldren’s eyes widened slightly with recognition and he scrambled back unsure of who to be more afraid of.

“You were trying to rob me” the newcomer growled moving his sword point ever so slightly causing a trickle of blood to run down the gutter’s neck.

“Wait! I’ve never seen you before sir I’m sure there’s a misunderstanding” the gutter was looking around the best he could without moving his neck to see if he had any support but everyone was still studiously looking in other directions including his comrades on the seawall who Caldren noticed had all vanished when the stranger had appeared.

“This man is here by my invitation to make an exchange. In attempting to rob him you were in fact stealing coin meant for me”

“I wasn’t stealing – I was trying to simply collect a fee for guiding him to the right location!”

The newcomer raised and eyebrow and turned to Caldren with an inquisitive look

“Oh, no. He was most certainly trying to rob me”

“Then what do you suggest we do in this situation?

Caldren really wanted to suggest he stab the gutter through the neck and throw his body into the bay but he was not a violent man by nature and couldn’t bring himself bear the burden of someone’s death so he tore his gaze away from the bright blood at the gutter’s neck and looked him in the eyes

“Go – run. I want no blood on my hands today – especially yours as you stink. I don’t understand. You’re literally right next to the water, maybe once a week or so jump into the water and swim around a little. There’s no reason for you to smell like that”

The man lowered his sword and the wide eyed gutter took off running back into the market quickly losing himself in weak early morning light. Caldren slowly turned towards the man in the cloak and weakly said “Are you here about.. the book?”

The man was still staring into the gloom as if he could still see the gutter running then slowly turned back towards caldren.

“Well done scholar – its a measure of a man how he acts when he has another in his power and I’d have been disappointed to have had cut that man down as he is beneath me and such acts bring no honor”

Caldren swallowed hard. He knew this man to be dangerous and he didn’t want to offend him in any way. “I’m sorry sir you had to deal with that” he stated and started to bow.

The man raised his hand to cut him off “Please scholar – do not address me by title or name. Today I am simply a bookseller looking to sell an old book to a scholar of such tomes”

He reached into his satchel and took out a thin book, worn with age and held it almost reverently. He looked at Caldren and asked “why do you seek this book scholar?”

Caldren ran through all the lies and excuses he’s used over the years while tracking down the book trying to decide which one would work best in this situation but something in the man’s eyes told him that only the truth would get him what he sought. The only problem is the truth might also get him cut down as a heretic as this man was an imperial officer.

Caldren right then wished he’s been stabbed and robbed instead as that seemed preferable to the situation he was in now. He fought an internal battle between his cowardice and the desire for the knowledge he spent years chasing. The man seemed to sense his fear and smiled slightly sheathing his sword. “Do not worry scholar – I am not here to arrest you, I simply wish to ensure that this book is given to someone who understands what is contained in it and what they plan to do with that knowledge.”

“What is that supposed do mean?” Caldren ventured, unsure of what was happening. Why was an imperial officer here in the the fish markets before sunup and why did he seem to know more than he let on about the book? Overwhelmed by indecision he took an involuntary step backward and froze when he heard the sharp rasp of a blade being drawn.

“Make no mistake” the office said – you will answer, and answer truthfully. I have seen the recognition in your eyes and I cannot let you leave here with that knowledge until I am assured of your answer”

Caldren got a sinking feeling that if the officer didn’t hear the answer he wanted he was simply going to cut him down where he stood. He wasn’t going to let him walk out of here with the knowledge of who he was and what he held in his hands. So he gathered himself and took a deep breath and raise his eyes to me the officers

“I seek a map contained in that book – one of the eastern mountains. I believe the map will lead me to a place of learning. My interest in one of a scholar seeking knowledge.” Caldren hoped this half truth would be close enough to the real truth to fool the officer and get him out of this mess.

The officer’s eyes held onto Caldren’s for what seemed like forever before they softened and he spoke, his voice which was until now filled with the command of his station became a whisper. “I’m sorry scholar – that is not the answer I sought” and he drew his blade.

The workers who were up until now pretending they didn’t see anything bolted into the shadows. One look at the way the man held his blade as he advanced convinced them that there wouldn’t be any witnesses left alive.

Caldren couldn’t run. The fear overwhelmed him and he stood there staring at the blade as he saw all his dreams coming to a swift and abrupt end. Time seemed to slow as thoughts rushed through his mind. Why did he take such a foolish risk as to seek the book in the first place? Why did he come down here to an isolated location before dawn? It’s pretty much the perfect place to kill someone why was he only thinking of this now. As he saw his death approaching he thought of his mother and the promise he made to her.

“I just wanted to find the magic” he closed his eyes and whispered

The killing blow never landed – the officer altered his swing at the last moment shallowly slicing across Caldren’s arm, leaving a gash which started to bleed freely. Caldren fell to his knees, grabbed his arm and kept his eyes shut thinking that maybe he just missed the first swing and the killing blow would be coming very soon.

The officer was quiet a moment and Caldren cracked one eye open to see him standing there looking at him, absentmindedly wiping blood on a cloth like it was an ingrained habit perfected by repetition- The officer, having finished cleaned his blade looked over at Caldren with a thoughtful gaze and repeated his first question “What do you want this book for scholar?”

Caldren shocked by the fact he wasn’t dead and reeling from the pain of the sword cut spoke the words he never dared to speak out loud, the secret he held in his heart since he was a child “I seek a way to learn magic, not the sanctioned magic of the (find a neat work for imperials mages here)the old magic thought removed from the world by the empire”.

He knew those words were heresy and punishable by imprisonment or summary execution and here he was telling them to an imperial officer. He just shook his head wondering what he was getting himself into. He had a nice safe job in the library, he was a scholar and from what he heard, on track to be promoted to the central library. He was set for a life of relative ease and comfort why was he here on his knees on the hard cobbles among the detritus of fish guts and human refuse, bleeding freely, a red bloom staining his already filthy robes. I don’t die in the next few minutes, this is probably going to be infected” he mumbled to himself as he tried in vain to get the bleeding to stop.

The officer crouched down close to him and said in a low voice “Look at me scholar”. Caldren looked up but couldn’t meet his eyes, afraid of what he would see. The officer continued “Your lies could have cost so much more than just your life, Scholar”

“What does that mean? Why are you here – if not to arrest me? What secret were you ready to cut me down to protect? I’m just a scholar looking to fulfill a promise I made a long time ago I’m not even sure what to do even if I found what I’m looking for” frustrated tears filled Caldren’s eyes as the emotions started to overwhelm him. “What do you want?” He cried out softly

The officer paused again tilting his head as if he was trying to hear something then nodded to himself and sheathed his sword. He carefully placed the book on the ground right in front of Caldren and stepped away. “What I want scholar is the same thing as you. Why I want it, is my business alone. I’ve sent many of my agents to try to find this place but they all came back empty handed. So either the entire thing is fabricated or it is hidden in some way that my people cannot figure out. You, however, have dedicated your life to this secret and my hope is that your study will be able to discover what has been lost and return it to the world. I cannot spare anyone to accompany you as this must remain a secret and there is no one I trust with this knowledge”

Looking around the market to assure himself they were still alone he lowered his voice so that Caldren could barely hear him and anyone hiding in the shadows would certainly hear nothing. “Scholar, I hope you find what you seek. Be wary however, if you seek to use this power and unleash it upon the world again you will hunted and no where will be safe for you. You will spend your life on the run and as long as the emperor sits on his throne his hounds will sniff you out and they will not be gentle. Knowing the risks you must decide if taking up this power is worth the cost. “

“So it’s either travel halfway around the world, by myself, and seek to find answers that may set an entire empire against me or be cut down right here and now by you to protect this secret”

“I don’t think that will be necessary” The officer chuckled which seemed so out of character that Caldren started to laugh as well, just at the ridiculousness of the situation he found himself in.

The office rested his hand on the pommel of his sword and tapped it slowly then nodded to himself again and looked to the east where the sun was starting to rise above the horizon spilling a soft light that infused the fog with a soft pink color. “There is a wagon that leaves here in a week as part of a caravan to the city of Riverside which borders the gap that leads to the eastern mountains. I’ve secured you passage under the guise that you are a scrivener bringing documents to the imperial offices there. Once you are there deliver the packet and then find a reason to leave the city. The path to the location mentioned in the map is blazed with a small imperial sigil look for it among the roots of the trees. These will guide you to where the expedition was camped. After that, you are on your own.”

While it was infuriating Caldren knew the officer was right – he was going to take the book. He’d spent ten years of his life searching for this knowledge and while he was terrified of pretty much everything after that part he had a promise to keep. He reached down quickly and slipped the book into his pocket. His hand brushed up again the money he had brought and he hesitatingly asked “So… do you want the money that we agreed on?”

The officer had pulled his hood up to hide his face but Caldren saw a slight smile on his face “Oh no, Scholar you are going to need that money much more than I am” then he turned and walked away quickly fading into the growing crowd.

With the sun now rising higher in the sky, Caldren felt a bit safer but he started picking up his pace wanting to put as much space between him and the fish markets as he could. As he reached the docks he saw that the gutters were all back on the seawall and were staring right at him, so he broke into a full run which didn’t last very long as he leaned towards a sedentary lifestyle but it was enough to get him to the watch post between the fish market and merchant’s square where he collapsed against the wall breathing hard from the exertion.

The watchman on duty leaned out to look at him, saw him sprawled on the street his dirty robes caked with blood and raised an eyebrow as if to say “I see you, but I don’t want to fill out any paperwork today”. Caldren tiredly waved him off, got up and trudged back to the library.

Chapter Three

Anthony Panariello Leave a comment

Caldren just stared. Fifteen years of searching. Scouring books, tracking obscure clues—and now, here he was, standing on the precipice of his journey’s end. And he was terrified. After almost a month of searching this area he was now sitting across the fire from a being made of light was telling him she can teach him about magic. He wondered if this was a dream and he would awake soon to the cold hard ground at his campsite to resume his fruitless searching. He had so many questions they all raced around his mind and he had trouble deciding which one to ask. Imogen was sitting there and had resumed her humming seeming not to care as the silence stretched on.

“Why did you wait so long to come here? I’ve been searching for almost a month!” was the question that won. Caldren winced, of all the questions that he had about magic and the fundamental powers of the universe, that was the question that got asked first? He started to ask a different question when Imogen cut him off and answered him “I told you that it is hard for me to understand the flow of time but in the resonance time works completely differently. I’m not sure the mechanism of it as far as I can tell it’s random and part of the chaos of raw magic. When I activated the failsafe I was unsure how long I should stay in the resonance. How long would they search? There was no guidance I was given so I thought perhaps a year would be the safest. I couldn’t leave as the raw magic would rip me apart once I left the safety of the library so I was alone for such a long time. When I initiated the return I came back to a place completely empty of life and a reminder of what was lost. You see, scholar, even though I’m not human anymore I still have emotions and feelings I’m still the orphan girl who laid dying and made a choice”

She stopped, and Caldren’s eyes widened as a pearlescent tear traced down her cheek, streaking with pale light. He was fascinated by this and had so many followup questions for her but she held up her hand indicating she just needed a moment, then she continued

“I was now without a purpose. No one came seeking knowledge and there were no guides anymore to show people the way, so I faced an eternity alone” she lowered her voice to a whisper and continued “Scholar, I even searched for a way to end the magic that sustains me but I could find nothing” her shining eyes rose to mine and he felt her loneliness. He was taken back to that dark tunnel where he cried in the dark, alone. He wanted to give her a hug but wasn’t sure that was possible with her being an incorporeal being.

“I was alone for a long time when at last I felt some people entering the vale. I sought them out and watched them. Maybe they were seekers of knowledge and I could once again have a purpose. However, these men bore arms and the insignia of the empire and I could almost feel their ill intent. So I remained hidden to keep the knowledge from them and returned to my library to resume my solitary vigil.

“How did you hide from them? You’re made of light – wouldn’t you be spotted almost immediately?” Caldren asked curiosity making him interrupt her story. She grinned at him and suddenly vanished. Caldren swung his head around trying to find her but she seemed completely gone. Suddenly her voice came from the spot she as sitting at “Now do you see how I was able to hide?” Caldren nodded and she slowly faded back into view. She continued her story “For many years these men came however as time wore on they came less and less and it seemed like they had given up and assumed the library was completely gone. Recently, however, a small group of men arrived wearing plain traveling clothes and carrying no blades. They were searching with a purpose as if they knew what to look for. They seemed to want to hide who they were but I could tell they were the emperor’s men. They came very close to finding a way in, scholar and I had no way to arm the defenses of the school as that requires actual real hands.” She held up her glowing hands and smile ruefully. “If these men were to gain entrance they would have access to the greatest store of knowledge in the world. Normally entrance to the library was meted out by the keepers who ensure requests were within the guidelines and the library was guarded by the clockwork archivists so this never was an issue in the past but now they lie dormant and there are no keepers left and I fear the knowledge these men are seeking”

Caldren took a long drink of his water then out of habit offered it to her realizing too late what he was doing. She laughed and that broke some of the tension that was building when she was telling her story. She gave him an appraising look then resumed speaking “I was unsure what to do – they were getting closer and I felt it was only a matter of time before they discovered a way in. Shortly after they left I felt another person enter the vale I thought that odd as there was usually some time between their visits so that’s when I found you. I didn’t reveal myself to you until now scholar because I needed to be sure and to be honest, I’m still not entirely sure of your intent.” She gave him a pointed look that reminded him that he evaded her questions on why he was seeking Temerith. “However I find I’m out of time and options and this conversation has been somewhat illuminating” Caldren couldn’t help but giggle a little bit and she rolled her eyes at him and continued “I need someone in the library to help me prevent these men from gaining access. Someone who can operate the defenses of the school and in the worst case, help defend it.

“Defend it? I’m not sure you noticed but I’m no warrior. I’m afraid I’m not going to be much help if armed men break in and try to storm the library” Caldren winced a bit as he remember his cowardice as the seekers grabbed his mother and he ran away, leaving her to them. The Lucent was offering him a resolution to his years long search but he wasn’t sure he could hold up his end of this bargain. “Also, please call me Caldren – there’s no need to be so formal”

“I don’t need a warrior, Caldren. That’s not how things were done in Temerith. The guards patrolled the town, not the library. The library… it was defended with power.”

Caldren stilled. Was she offering to teach him magic? Is the impossible promise he made to his mother actually one he could keep? He spoke up hesitantly daring to hope “Are you saying you can teach me to harness this power?”

“Yes and no Caldren” she replied “I am not a teacher and the blood of all who could teach you have stained the blades of the imperial seekers. However I have access to their knowledge and methods and I think between the two of us was can possibly make it work. Understand this is very dangerous. This power is one of pure chaos and you will struggle to control it. It will fight you and if you lose control it will burn you out from the inside leaving behind ash and destruction. This risk is even higher as most are trained from childhood how to harness this power and have years to learn the right way. However, we do not have that luxury of time”

Caldren’s eyes went very wide at this. Suddenly the desire to learn magic was secondary to his desire to stay alive and not be burned to ash. He also has the warning in his mind from that imperial officer that if he tried to take up this power they would hunt him down relentlessly. He wrung his hands as he considered this information. He had no idea that the old magic was such a dangerous thing. Did his mother know when she sent him to seek it out? Was that why the seekers came for her? Thinking of her bolstered his nerves and he decided that he should at least follow this journey to the end. One he was in Temerith and understood more he could make a better decision. He asked Imogen what she needed him to do.

She noticed his nervous bearing and told him “Be calm, I am not asking you to perform anything too dangerous or draw in so much power that you are in true danger. Most of what I need required but a trickle of power to activate defenses that are already in place. The first thing we should do is close the ways. They were open when the library was attacked and remain open which means that if these imperial men should find the path there is nothing to stop them from entering. The other important task is repairing the archivists. I do not know how but during the attack the imperial seekers somehow disabled them and our protectors stood silent as we were cut down.”

Those tasks didn’t sound overly dangerous to Caldren. She needed him to perform tasks she couldn’t and was willing to teach him how to draw power which was what he wanted. It seemed like a fair trade but he felt like there were some things that perhaps she wasn’t sharing. He had a thought and asked her “Why don’t you just do the same thing you did last time? If these men find the path and break in just bring he library back into the..” He struggled to remember the name. “The resonance” she supplied.

“Why is it called that?” He asked

“Because the resonance exists in the same space as the world we are in right now. The power overlays everything, invisible and harmless in this world because the power is dampened but cross the veil and that power is amplified greatly. Over eons of time that power has become a maelstrom as it builds upon itself. That is why it is so dangerous Caldren, when you try to draw the magic you become a conduit and that raw power is pulled into this world through you.”

“I’m still not sure how that is dangerous – you opened the door to this place, can’t you shut it and cut off the power?”

She shook her head “It isn’t that simple. The power is constantly pushing against the veil with unimaginable force. Most mages only draw a trickle of power through what amounts to a pinhole and even that power is more than enough to perform most tasks. However there some who seek to pull in vast amount of power for great works and others..” she grimaced as she finished the statement “others drew in great power to bring death and destruction”

“Ash mages” Caldren breathed. He had read the stories of these mages calling down fire from the heavens and wiping out entire armies. He had always thought them legend as the very idea of that level of power seemed impossible.

“Yes, Scholar. These men were trained to be living weapons—years of study and discipline, reduced to nothing by the whims of lesser men.” She shook her head. “They would open a vast conduit, pulling in as much power as their bodies could withstand, unleashing devastation. But the power was never meant to be wielded like that. In the end, it always consumed them. That is why they were called Ash Mages, Caldren—because when the magic was finished with them, that was all that remained.

He had spent years searching for magic, longing for it. But now that it was within reach, the idea of channeling raw chaos through his body—power that could leave him nothing but ash—made him feel sick. Had his mother known this when she made him promise? Had she wanted this for him?

Caldren shifted closer to the fire as the cold settled in. He looked over at Imogen sitting simply on a log and wondered how she did that. She wasn’t here physically so was she floating? He shook his head to clear it out and tried to connect all the dots. She came to him because she needed his help. The officer’s men were getting close to discovering the entrance and she feared what they would do once they did. She obviously had no love for the empire after what they did and was desperate to keep them out. She couldn’t do it herself and needed someone to help. She couldn’t leave Aethervale so appearing to him and asking his help was the only option she had. The question is whether he trusted her to be telling him the truth. She answered all his questions so far and he didn’t get a sense she was trying to trick him but his life had taught him to be very careful when it came to trusting people

He wondered why she was telling him everything he wanted to know when he was struck with an idea. “You’re bound to answer any question I ask, aren’t you?’”

She leaned in speaking urgently “Yes! Do you see now, Scholar? The risk I take in trusting you? Do you understand what is at stake?”

The Lost City of Z

Anthony Panariello Leave a comment

James Gray’s The Lost City of Z is the kind of movie that Hollywood doesn’t really make anymore—a slow-burn, introspective adventure film that’s more about obsession and existential yearning than it is about gunfights and treasure maps. If you’re expecting a swashbuckling, vine-swinging, snake-punching Indiana Jones type of adventure, I have some unfortunate news: this is not that. There are no ancient booby traps, no secret passageways, and not a single fedora in sight. What we do get is a beautifully shot, hypnotically slow descent into madness, where one man gets so consumed by the unknown that he willingly throws his entire life into the jungle, never to return.

Charlie Hunnam, shedding all remnants of his Sons of Anarchy biker aesthetic, plays Percy Fawcett, a British explorer who makes the baffling mistake of thinking, Yes, I will absolutely go deep into the Amazon rainforest in the early 1900s when absolutely everything is trying to kill me. To be fair, Percy isn’t some glory-seeking adventurer—he’s a man desperate to prove himself to a world that looks down on him. He stumbles upon the idea of a lost civilization buried in the jungle and suddenly, his life is no longer about being a husband or father—it’s about finding Zed (because the British refuse to say Zee like normal people). The deeper he goes, the more obsessed he becomes, to the point where the jungle stops being a place and becomes a state of mind.

Gray directs the film with the kind of patience that dares you to let it sink into your bones. He’s not interested in cheap thrills or exaggerated spectacle. Instead, he lets the atmosphere take over, letting the sweat, the mud, and the endless sea of trees weigh down on you like they do on Fawcett. It’s hypnotic, almost dreamlike—especially when compared to the rigid, oppressive society Fawcett returns to back home in England. Every time he steps out of the jungle, the world seems grayer, smaller, and more suffocating, as if civilization itself is the real prison.

And let’s talk about Robert Pattinson, because somehow, amid all of this, he sneaks in one of his best I’m-going-to-make-you-forget-I-was-ever-in-Twilight performances. As Fawcett’s scruffy, loyal companion Henry Costin, Pattinson disappears into the role, reminding us once again that he thrives in weird, offbeat characters with impressive facial hair. His quiet, almost resigned presence serves as a perfect counterbalance to Hunnam’s increasingly manic ambition, a reminder that for every explorer chasing glory, there’s a guy just trying not to die from malaria.

Sienna Miller also delivers a strong performance as Fawcett’s wife, Nina, a woman stuck in the impossible position of loving a man who loves something else more. She challenges him, supports him, and resents him all at once, embodying the emotional toll that Fawcett’s obsession leaves on the people around him. Because while he’s off chasing mythical cities, his real-life responsibilities—his family, his children, his entire actual existence—are left behind, gathering dust.

By the time the movie reaches its haunting final moments, it doesn’t really matter whether Fawcett found Z or not. The point isn’t about what’s real—it’s about the chase, the longing, the need to believe in something greater than yourself. The Lost City of Z isn’t about discovery; it’s about obsession. It’s about the people who are willing to walk off the edge of the map, knowing full well they might never come back.

So if you’re looking for a classic adventure movie with action-packed set pieces, this might not be your thing. But if you want a slow, meditative, and quietly devastating story about a man who willingly loses himself in the unknown—then The Lost City of Z is a journey worth taking. Just, you know, bring some bug spray.

Books Read (Update)

Anthony Panariello Leave a comment

34,752 pages read in total this year.
66 Books
17 Non-Fiction
39 Fiction

I didn’t write a review for all the fiction books I read this year because that would be an issue with how fast I go through them – it would cut into time I needed for other things, so I only wrote posts for the non fiction books but here’s a quick video showing all the books I read this year – enjoy!

Ikigai and Kaizen

Anthony Panariello Leave a comment

Some books feel like an invitation to sit down with a warm cup of tea and rethink how you’re spending your days. Ikigai and Kaizen by Anthony Raymond is one of those books, blending two Japanese philosophies—one about purpose, the other about continuous improvement—into a digestible, motivating, and (at times) delightfully blunt reflection on how to live better. It doesn’t yell at you to wake up at 5 AM, build an empire, or bench press your own fears. Instead, it nudges you toward a more sustainable path, one where meaningful progress doesn’t require burnout.

Let’s start with ikigai, a concept that gets thrown around in self-help circles like a magic key to happiness. At its core, it’s the idea that life is most fulfilling when you find the intersection between what you love, what you’re good at, what the world needs, and what you can be paid for. That sounds simple enough, but Raymond does a great job of cutting through the fluff that often surrounds this idea. He doesn’t just present ikigai as an aspirational concept; he actually shows how it functions in real life, beyond the neat little Venn diagrams you see on Pinterest. The book makes it clear that ikigai isn’t necessarily some grand, world-changing mission—it can be something as simple as crafting furniture, teaching kids, or even making the perfect cup of coffee. The key isn’t in the scale of your purpose but in its ability to get you out of bed with a sense of meaning.

And then there’s kaizen, which is basically the quieter, less flashy cousin of hustle culture. Instead of urging you to overhaul your life overnight, kaizen is all about making small, incremental improvements over time. Raymond highlights how this philosophy, originally developed in the world of Japanese business and manufacturing, can be just as effective in personal growth. The magic of kaizen is that it sidesteps the all-or-nothing mentality that so many self-improvement books unknowingly reinforce. You don’t need to run a marathon next week, launch a startup in six months, or achieve inner peace by next Tuesday. You just need to improve by a tiny fraction today—and then do the same tomorrow. The book argues (quite convincingly) that small changes, when sustained, add up to something far more powerful than sporadic bursts of motivation.

Where Raymond really shines is in his ability to weave these two concepts together without making them feel like another formulaic “life hack.” The interplay between ikigai and kaizen makes for a refreshing approach to personal development—one that doesn’t demand immediate, radical transformation but instead encourages alignment and steady refinement. If ikigai helps you figure out where you want to go, kaizen keeps you moving without the exhaustion of trying to sprint the entire way there.

The book is also refreshingly realistic. While some self-help books sell you the fantasy that anything is possible with the right mindset (as if positive thinking alone will suddenly make you a concert pianist), Raymond is more grounded. He acknowledges that finding ikigai isn’t always easy and that continuous improvement isn’t always linear. There are detours, setbacks, and moments where progress feels painfully slow. But that’s where kaizen becomes invaluable—it reminds you that even when things don’t go as planned, you can still take one small step forward.

Beyond its philosophical grounding, Ikigai and Kaizen is also just an enjoyable read. Raymond’s writing is straightforward without being dull, encouraging without being saccharine. He doesn’t just hand you motivational quotes and send you on your way—he gives you something practical to hold onto, something that doesn’t fall apart under the weight of real-life challenges.

So, what’s the big takeaway? If you’re looking for a book that tells you to quit your job, move to Bali, and find your bliss, this isn’t it. But if you’re interested in a book that respects the fact that you have responsibilities, challenges, and a complicated life—and still want to make meaningful, lasting change—this one’s worth your time. Ikigai and Kaizen isn’t about chasing an unattainable ideal; it’s about crafting a life that feels rich in purpose and growth, one small step at a time. And honestly, isn’t that a more sustainable way to get where we’re going?

Chapter One

Anthony Panariello Leave a comment

Caldren was lost.

Walking along a ridge he consulted the weathered map in his hand. Up until this point the map was leading him unerringly towards the destination. He left his entire life behind on the chance that this map and the journal it was folded into were real and he didn’t know what he would do if it turned out otherwise.

He was getting tired – his life as a scholar generally did not include athletic pursuits and the scramble across the rock spree and the climb to the ridge had left him sore and exhausted. The trail was clearly marked up until he got to this ridge and then the paths that were supposed to be were instead dense thickets and scrub pines and twisty mountain pathways that all seemed to circle back on each other. Trying to catch his breath in the thin mountain air he sat down heavily on a felled tree and stared at the map as if he looked at it long enough it would give up its secrets.

He glared at the dense overgrowth and grumbled to himself that he should have brought that sword his father had given him. He had never followed his father and brother into the military, but at least a sword would have been useful for cutting through the dense undergrowth. Perhaps the trail was simply overgrown and he needed to cut his way to his destination. He unsheathed his knife from its belt and stared morosely at it – it would take weeks to try to cut through with the knife which was already pretty dull from cutting wood for the evening fires.

The sun was setting soon and the wind was picking up. Caldren pulled his scholars robes from his pack and put them on. He knew the nights up here would be brittle and as his breath puffed into the night air and started a small campfire outside of a sheltered spot amidst the boulders. He didn’t think anyone was around to see the light of the campfire but he shielded it anyway just in case. He wasn’t doing anything technically wrong but he wanted to avoid any entanglements with imperial troops or bandits who would rob him of his already meager possessions.

Settling in for the night he took out his map again. It was yellowed from age and was annotated in a language he didn’t recognize, which was unusual for him as languages was one of the few things he truly excelled at. He was still unsure what he had gotten himself into. After years of searching for any information on the old magic an imperial officer shows up and just hands him a book detailing a mysterious place in the mountains that might be a lost school? It seemed too easy and he was definitely worried that it was a trap and if he did find the location imperial seekers would appear from behind the scrub pines to capture him.

Shaking his head, Caldren picked a random page in the book and started reading. This is something that he had been trying to uncover for a decade now. Magic – real magic like the mages of old. Not the imperial magic so tightly controlled or the hedge witches hiding in the wilderness. The magic spoken of in the tales his mother would tell him at night by the hearth.

Caldren loved these stories and they filled his boyhood imagination with wonder which lead him to pursue a life as a scholar instead of joining the militia as his father had wanted. He spent his days at his duties as an imperial scholar writing books with the words he was given and managing the library at the imperium. It was during a routine cataloging of captured books that he first found the mention of the school and the library. He was reading a pretty straightforward accounting of a merchant guild meeting when there was an entry detailing a funding request for an explorer who claims to have found Aethervale – the mythical location of the library of Temerith. The entry just notes their name as Malcom Sterling and that they granted him the necessary funds in return for first right to books found in the library.

Malcolm Sterling, the leader of the doomed Blackwood company. Everyone had heard the story of how the fabled company disappeared on its way back from one of their expeditions. Some of their company were found at the edges of the Bonechime woods their bodies refusing to rot away – their sightless eyes still facing the wood. Caldren had always thought the stories were fabricated to keep people away from the Bonechime woods but the more he read the more unsettled he became. There was something wrong with that place. It got its name from the sounds that came from the forest when the wind blew through it – a discordant knocking that seemed to follow no pattern but seemed deliberate.

Caldren suspected something else happened to the Blackwood Company. He couldn’t shake the feeling that the Imperial seekers had found out what Malcolm was attempting to do and took steps to ensure that the knowledge remained hidden. Caldren recalled the legends of Temerith and they all seemed to agree that it cannot be found unless it wants you to find it. Caldren always thought that was strange ascribing intent to a building but the legends were all pretty consistent. He wasn’t sure how they ended up hundreds of miles from their original destination however, and the mystery of that is part of what was keeping the legend alive.

Caldren closed the book and threw some more wood onto the small fire. He stared out into the darkening sky through the hazy blue smoke trying to figure out the mystery of this place. He always loved solving puzzles he was persistent when chasing down ideas and he has this unusual ability to remember things he has read clearly. He sorted through all the things he knew about this place trying to tease out a way to gain access.

Before the rise of the empire Temerith was the place mages went to study and learn amongst their peers. The biggest feature of the place was its massive library. The legends claim that you couldn’t ever enter the library itself as it was a stronghold built to protect knowledge. You’d have to speak to the librarians and they would find you the knowledge you sought. The legends here differ as a few claim the librarians were a subset of mage who specialized in managing the library while others claim that the librarians were magical constructs. One thing the legends all agree on were the clockwork archivists – metallic automatons who would gather and sort the books but also serve as guardians. There were a few descriptions of the in some of the books he’d read and they sounded terrifying. Fabricated from some sort of metallic alloy they stood seven feet tall and moved with a grace the belied their mechanical nature. They were generally viewed as benign until someone foolishly tried to break into the library proper. That’s when the guardians put down their books and according to one of his favorite legends their hands became weapons. Caldren never knew why anyone would try to break into a place that had giant metal guards with sword hands but he guessed that some of the knowledge contained in that library had incalculable value.

All the sources he read indicated that the library is hidden somehow and that only people who can channel the magic can find the entrance. He didn’t agree with that idea entirely as there are records of non mages visiting the library so there has to be a way for the everyday needs of such a place to be met. You need food and trade goods for one and he just didn’t see someone who can channel the very energies of the world opening up a bakery. His best guess was there was a way station where visitors would go first and they would be guided in or they would open the lower areas outside of the library proper at certain times to allow for free movement of people. These were all guesses at best as most of the knowledge of the library and magic itself was destroyed by the imperium after the pogrom. Part of his duties as a scholar was to check for the knowledge and ensure it was destroyed but his small act of rebellion was ensuring he read every page as they would be recorded in his memory and he’d write down anything important in a series of journals he kept hidden under a stone in his chambers. Those books were now secured in oilcloth and buried underneath the willow tree he used to climb as a child when playing outside his home. It wouldn’t do to have them discovered once they realized he was never coming back from his sabbatical.

Having exhausted his knowledge of the place and still no closer to finding an answer. He fished some dried meats from his pack and started to gnaw absentmindedly as he considered his next steps. He’d been here for just under a week and he was still no closer to finding the entrance than when he’d arrived. Was this even the right valley? The mountain range stretched for thousands of miles and there could be hundreds of places that match the description of Aethervale. He felt the frustration grow inside of him. He’d left his entire life behind on this insane gamble and he needed this to be the right place he felt deep down that this was the right place he just wasn’t looking at the problem from the right viewpoint.

He did a quick calculation and figured that he had about another week’s worth of food if he was careful and stretched it out as best he could. He’d already lost a significant amount of weight over the last few weeks in this place eating dried rations and whatever he could scavenge. so he wasn’t sure he could go much longer than a week and still have the strength to climb back out and get to the nearest town which was a small mining town about 20 miles from where he started this fools journey. He had tried catching some fish or hunting small game but he just didn’t have any skills in that area so after a few days he resigned himself to the dried foods he has purchased before heading into the mountains.

Having finished his meager meal he walked down to the river to fill his waterskin. Walking around in circles for hours was thirsty work he thought to himself as the icy water numbed his hands. He longed to bathe or clean his robes but he was pretty sure he’d get hypothermia if he tried either of those things so he trudged back up to his campsite grateful for even the little warmth the fire was providing him.

As he left the woods and entered the clearing where his little fire was he froze. Someone was sitting at his fire.

Rick Rubin – The Creative Act: A Way of Being

Anthony Panariello Leave a comment

You know those zen masters who somehow manage to say profound things while sounding like they’re talking about what they had for breakfast? That’s Rick Rubin for you. The legendary music producer (who’s worked with everyone from Johnny Cash to Jay-Z) has written a book that’s essentially a meditation on creativity disguised as a series of fortune cookies. And I mean that in the best possible way.

Let’s get one thing straight – if you’re looking for a behind-the-scenes tell-all about how Rubin convinced the Beastie Boys to ditch their leather pants, or how he got Black Sabbath to sound like Black Sabbath again, this isn’t that book. Instead, what you get is something far more valuable: a philosophical guide to unleashing your creative potential that’s so simple it’s profound, and so profound it’s simple.

The book is structured as a series of short chapters, each focusing on different aspects of the creative process. It’s like a choose-your-own-adventure book for your artistic soul, except every path leads to some form of enlightenment. Or at least a really good idea for your next project.

Rubin’s central thesis is that creativity isn’t something you do – it’s something you are. It’s less about technique and more about awareness. He suggests that the creative act is less about forcing something into existence and more about becoming receptive to what’s already there. It’s like he’s teaching us to be creative by teaching us how to get out of our own way. As someone who regularly trips over their own mental furniture, I found this perspective particularly refreshing.

One of the book’s most compelling ideas is what I like to call the “cosmic radio station” concept. Rubin suggests that creative ideas are always broadcasting, like radio waves, and our job is simply to tune in to the right frequency. It’s a beautiful metaphor that makes the creative process feel less like pulling teeth and more like adjusting an antenna. Though I must say, some days my antenna feels more like a coat hanger wrapped in tinfoil.

Throughout the book, Rubin emphasizes the importance of process over product. He argues that true creativity comes from a place of playful experimentation rather than rigid goal-setting. It’s about embracing uncertainty and treating every creative endeavor as an experiment rather than a test. As someone who once spent three hours deciding on the perfect font for a grocery list, this was both a relief and a challenge.

What’s particularly striking about the book is its universal applicability. Whether you’re a musician, writer, painter, or someone who arranges their sock drawer with artistic flair, Rubin’s insights apply. He strips creativity down to its essential elements: observation, experimentation, and the courage to follow your curiosity.

The book also tackles the thorny issue of creative blocks, though Rubin might argue that there’s no such thing. Instead, he suggests that what we call “blocks” are actually opportunities for deeper exploration. It’s like when you hit a wall while jogging – maybe it’s not the wall that’s the problem, but your relationship with walls. (Yes, I’m starting to sound like him now. It’s contagious.)

One potential criticism of the book might be its somewhat abstract nature. If you’re looking for specific techniques or step-by-step guides, you might find yourself frustrated. But that’s kind of the point. Rubin isn’t giving us a map; he’s teaching us how to navigate by the stars.

The Creative Act isn’t just a book about making art – it’s a book about being alive to the possibilities around us. It’s about developing a practice of attention and curiosity that enriches not just our creative work, but our entire experience of being human. Rubin has managed to write something that’s simultaneously a creativity guide, a philosophical treatise, and a spiritual handbook, all while maintaining the casual air of someone explaining how to make a really good cup of tea.

In conclusion, The Creative Act is like a Swiss Army knife for the soul – multi-functional, surprisingly simple, and invaluable once you learn how to use it. Rubin has created something special here: a book that doesn’t just inform but transforms, assuming you’re willing to sit with its ideas and let them work their magic.

While it might not give you the secret formula for producing a platinum record (sorry, aspiring music moguls), it offers something far more valuable: a way of seeing the world that makes creativity not just possible but inevitable. Just don’t expect to be the same person you were when you started reading it. As Rubin might say, that’s kind of the point.

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐½ out of 5
Perfect for: Artists of all stripes, creative professionals, and anyone who’s ever stared at a blank page and wished it would stare back.
Not for: People looking for technical how-tos or industry gossip.

Goal Met: Read 50 books

Anthony Panariello 2 Comments

OK – this one was a gimme. In fact, I was seriously considering making it 100 books since I’ve always been a heavy reader – as a small kid I remember sitting up at night with a flashlight reading cheesy sci-fi novels under the covers to get that little bit of adventure before going to sleep way too late and nodding off at my desk at school the next day. Not much has changed other than my kindle has it’s own light now, so I no longer need the flashlight.

I decided to lean into non-fiction information books a bit more. I usually go through 3-5 non fiction books a year but wanted to broaden my knowledge a bit more and started selecting books that I thought were interesting or were recommended one of the many podcasts that I was listening to.

I ended up with 15 non fiction books out of 50 total – considering how dry some of these books were I thought that was a pretty good clip. I also tended to take those kinds of books out from the library so I don’t have the convenience of the kindle ecosystem – making it a bit harder to find time to read them.

See, the thing with a kindle (and the kindle app on my phone) is that I can read anytime I have a free moment. Lunchtime at work? Sandwich and a story. Long train ride? Story time! Relaxing on the beach? Why yes, I’ll read this ‘summer reading’ selection thanks for asking. This really came into focus when I started removing social media from my phones – leaving me with blocks of time I had spent doom scrolling that needed to be filled. So I filled them with words.. thousands of words.. 27,000 words to be exact.

You see I don’t go for thin books, don’t get me started on those slim novels.. I like my books Thicc. Epic fantasy series? Yes please. Long complicated science fiction novel? Beam me up. Multi book series are my jam – I’ll rip through the whole series one after another. I can’t help myself. My lifetime of reading has trained me to read fast and still comprehend everything I’ve read. (Although There have been times when the prose was so beautiful I felt the need to go back and savor it)

Now the funny thing is I hit 50 books only 7 months into this so I’ve still got 5 months left of reading and I’m not committing to 100 books but it’s in the realm of possibility.